Third-grade humor at its finest
2 February 2007 07:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
larryhammerJoke time! Answers behind the cuts.
Where was Moses when the candle went out? In the dark.
What kind of car did God drive? A Plymouth -- it says in Genesis, "He drove them forth in his Fury."
What did the Apostles drive? A Honda -- "They were all in one Accord."
What did David ride? "His Triumph was heard throughout the land."
One day Jesus says to his followers, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3 X squared minus 8 X plus 9." A new Disciple turns to Peter and asks, "What's that mean?" Peter says, "Don't worry -- that's just one of his parabolas."
(Okay, okay, I'll stop with the Biblicals and return to the riddles.)
What's green, fuzzy, has four legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you? A pool table.
(Or maybe a billiard table -- hard to tell from below what they're playing up in the trees.)
What's yellow and dangerous? Shark-infested custard.
What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What's your favorite stupid riddle?
---L.
Where was Moses when the candle went out? In the dark.
What kind of car did God drive? A Plymouth -- it says in Genesis, "He drove them forth in his Fury."
What did the Apostles drive? A Honda -- "They were all in one Accord."
What did David ride? "His Triumph was heard throughout the land."
One day Jesus says to his followers, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3 X squared minus 8 X plus 9." A new Disciple turns to Peter and asks, "What's that mean?" Peter says, "Don't worry -- that's just one of his parabolas."
(Okay, okay, I'll stop with the Biblicals and return to the riddles.)
What's green, fuzzy, has four legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you? A pool table.
(Or maybe a billiard table -- hard to tell from below what they're playing up in the trees.)
What's yellow and dangerous? Shark-infested custard.
What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What's your favorite stupid riddle?
---L.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2 February 2007 02:56 pm (UTC)but here are some others:
But most of my favorite jokes aren't riddles.
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Date: 2 February 2007 03:55 pm (UTC)---L.
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Date: 2 February 2007 04:45 pm (UTC)Two American college professors are eating lunch and drinking coffee at a cafe. The subject drifts around (naturally) to education in the U.S.
"Look, if you compare us to anywhere in the world, we're the worst mathematicians anywhere!" says the first professor. "Worse grades, worse competition scores, worse test scores..."
"I'm just saying that I don't think it's as bad as you imply," says the second professor. "America's universities are among the best in the world; it's not..."
"Because people move here for university!" interrupts the first. "If you go out on the street, people don't know anything! Why, I bet that our waitress can't even answer a basic calculus problem!"
The second professor hesitates. "You would, eh?"
"In a second!"
"Fifty bucks?"
"Absolutely!"
"You're on," says the second professor. "I'll ask her when she brings the check. In the meantime, I gotta take a leak. Be right back."
As he walks towards the stalls, however, he carefully detours to pass their waitress as she brings out coffee to another table. "Meet me by the restrooms," he whispers to her, not breaking stride, and he proceeds to hide by the entrance.
A few minutes later, the waitress shows up. She is about to speak when the professor hands her a bill.
"Here's twenty bucks," he says. "Now, when you bring the check, I'm going to ask you a question. I want you to answer, 'One third ex cubed.' Repeat it back to me."
"'One third ex cubed.'"
"Good work. Don't tell anyone." And he walks back to his table.
The professors spend a few more minutes talking and finishing their coffees and danishes, then the first professor signals the waitress to bring the check. She nods, goes into the kitchen, then brings out the check.
"Thank you," says the second professor. "Oh, and by the way: what's the integral of x2?"
The waitress freezes.
"Uh," she says, dumbly. She looks up, staring, as if the wall might have the answer on it.
The second professor begins to get nervous.
"Um..." she says.
Suddenly, she smiles. "One third ex cubed!" she says, triumphantly.
"D—n!" says the first professor. He reaches for his wallet, pulls out fifty bucks, and hands it across the table.
"Told you you were too pessimistic. Here, take the bill out of that," the second professor says, passing a bill to the waitress.
She takes it, turns around, and begins walking away. Then she turns back.
"Plus a constant," she says.
no subject
Date: 2 February 2007 06:14 pm (UTC)Have you heard the one about the two bees who meet in the street?
---L.
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Date: 2 February 2007 06:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2 February 2007 07:43 pm (UTC)The second bee replies, "Oh, not so good -- it's been a bad winter, no flowers anywhere."
"Oh -- I'm glad we met," the first bee says, "because I can help you. If you go two blocks down then take a left, there's a big Jewish wedding going on right now. Flowers and fruit and everything. Go -- now. You won't regret it."
The second bee thanks him and they part.
Later that afternoon, they meet again, and the first bee asks, "So did you go? How was it?"
"Oh! I am stuffed. I couldn't eat another bite in a week. Thank you so much."
"Oh good -- I'm glad I could help," the first bee says. "But, um, what's that on your head?"
"This? It's a yarmukah."
"And, uh, why are you wearing a yarmukah?"
"Well, I didn't want them to think I was a W.A.S.P."
Thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal.
---L.
no subject
Date: 2 February 2007 08:37 pm (UTC)Actually, that reminds me of another stupid riddle: You are locked out of your house. All the doors are locked, all the windows are locked, the chimney is too small to squeeze down, and no-one has a key. What do you do?
Ans: Start running around the house, and keep doing it until you're all in.
And the inverse: Imagine you're in a box. The walls are made of unbreakable mesh, the floor and ceiling are solid metal, the hinges and lock on the door are outside where you can't reach them, and built so strongly you couldn't break them anyway, and you have no tools. How do you get out?
Ans: Stop imagining!
no subject
Date: 2 February 2007 08:48 pm (UTC)---L.
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Date: 2 February 2007 08:49 pm (UTC)---L.
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Date: 2 February 2007 09:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2 February 2007 08:58 pm (UTC)This is another favorite of mine. Better than the Which Tyler joke, I'm sure. ;)
Stop me if you've heard this one...
So this choir is going to perform Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, and some members of the bass section decide that since there's a lot of symphony to get through before the choral bit at the end, they might as well nip off to the pub before doing their part. To make sure the symphony can't go on without them if they get delayed, they get hold of the conductor's score and tie the last pages together.
So the concert starts, and as they reach the final movement of the symphony and the orchestra is getting to the great "Ode to Joy" theme, the conductor tries to turn the page and finds that it's stuck. He looks around and notices the bass section staggering onto the stage, and the horrible truth dawns on him:
It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!
no subject
Date: 2 February 2007 09:36 pm (UTC)Though not as sick of it as his violist girlfriend is of:
You're driving down the road and see a conductor in one lane and a violist in the other. Which do you run over first? The conductor -- business before pleasure.
---L.
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Date: 2 February 2007 04:17 pm (UTC)But what I especially love are jokes that are erudite but also deeply stupid, such as these:
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Date: 2 February 2007 05:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2 February 2007 06:13 pm (UTC)The second is good bad.
---L.
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Date: 2 February 2007 08:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2 February 2007 09:40 pm (UTC)I also have a weakness for jokes that are both erudite and stupid. Though I'm blanking on examples just at the moment.
---L.
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Date: 2 February 2007 05:20 pm (UTC)Q: Why does Santa have reindeer pulling his sleigh?
A: That way, if he crashes, at least he won't go hungry.
It put me on his good side. The benefits have lasted... oh, at least 16 years now.
no subject
Date: 2 February 2007 06:13 pm (UTC)---L.
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Date: 2 February 2007 05:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2 February 2007 06:12 pm (UTC)---L.
I think I've told you this one, but...
Date: 2 February 2007 06:25 pm (UTC)No you hadn't -- or I wouldn't be groaning this loudly
Date: 2 February 2007 07:48 pm (UTC)Jane Eyre
Middlemarch
Heart of Darkness
The Wasteland
Cantebury Tales
Most of the other should-reads I can think of off the top of my head are more like E-Lit 201 or higher types.
---L.
Re: No you hadn't -- or I wouldn't be groaning this loudly
Date: 3 February 2007 11:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2 February 2007 10:34 pm (UTC)It's Friday afternoon at the end of a very long, tedious week at school, and I needed to snarf my tea. I feel much better now.
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Date: 3 February 2007 01:56 am (UTC)So the first time that Kore was let out of the underworld, she came back to her mother's house, and the whole Roman pantheon was invited over for a huge party. Given the whole goddess-of-grain thing, there was pretty much infinite beer, and everybody got smashed, especially the hostess, whom they just couldn't pry off the dance floor. Even after nobody else was dancing, she'd just stand there turning around and around and around, laughing to herself. So eventually they got Janus, who was the designated driver, to take her upstairs to her room and put her to bed.
Well, some time passed, and Janus didn't come back down, and the ceiling started to shake, and it became fairly obvious that the two of them were engaged in enthusiastic love-making. It got so loud that it started threatening to disrupt the party.
Fortunately, Minerva knew exactly what to say (she always does). "This is a historic occasion," she cried, "and we must celebrate even more! It is, after all, the first time a whirled Ceres has ever been one with a double-header."
All complaints should be directed to my high school Latin teacher.
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Date: 3 February 2007 02:52 am (UTC)That is so bad
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Date: 4 February 2007 12:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 4 February 2007 12:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 3 February 2007 05:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 3 February 2007 05:40 pm (UTC)---L.
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Date: 3 February 2007 05:09 am (UTC)Why was Jesus never sick?
He never got his feet wet.
(These are my favorite geeky ones.)
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?
Elephant grape sine theta.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?
You can't; a mountain climber is a scaler (scalar).
no subject
Date: 3 February 2007 04:59 pm (UTC)My favorites:
What did the cowboy say to his depressed horse?
...Why the long face?
Why is the ocean so friendly?
...It waves
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Date: 6 February 2007 01:30 pm (UTC)Who did they choose to be the lead? Jack Brickolson.
What travels back in time, hunts people down, gobbles, and tastes good with stuffing? The Turkeynator.
(I'm done for now. =^P)
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Date: 6 February 2007 02:44 pm (UTC)---L.
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Date: 6 February 2007 09:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 7 February 2007 07:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 21 May 2008 10:40 pm (UTC)My brother came up with this one - I was just reminded of it:
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Date: 22 May 2008 12:40 am (UTC)---L.