Third-grade humor at its finest
2 February 2007 07:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
larryhammerJoke time! Answers behind the cuts.
Where was Moses when the candle went out? In the dark.
What kind of car did God drive? A Plymouth -- it says in Genesis, "He drove them forth in his Fury."
What did the Apostles drive? A Honda -- "They were all in one Accord."
What did David ride? "His Triumph was heard throughout the land."
One day Jesus says to his followers, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3 X squared minus 8 X plus 9." A new Disciple turns to Peter and asks, "What's that mean?" Peter says, "Don't worry -- that's just one of his parabolas."
(Okay, okay, I'll stop with the Biblicals and return to the riddles.)
What's green, fuzzy, has four legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you? A pool table.
(Or maybe a billiard table -- hard to tell from below what they're playing up in the trees.)
What's yellow and dangerous? Shark-infested custard.
What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What's your favorite stupid riddle?
---L.
Where was Moses when the candle went out? In the dark.
What kind of car did God drive? A Plymouth -- it says in Genesis, "He drove them forth in his Fury."
What did the Apostles drive? A Honda -- "They were all in one Accord."
What did David ride? "His Triumph was heard throughout the land."
One day Jesus says to his followers, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3 X squared minus 8 X plus 9." A new Disciple turns to Peter and asks, "What's that mean?" Peter says, "Don't worry -- that's just one of his parabolas."
(Okay, okay, I'll stop with the Biblicals and return to the riddles.)
What's green, fuzzy, has four legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you? A pool table.
(Or maybe a billiard table -- hard to tell from below what they're playing up in the trees.)
What's yellow and dangerous? Shark-infested custard.
What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What's your favorite stupid riddle?
---L.
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no subject
Date: 2 February 2007 04:45 pm (UTC)Two American college professors are eating lunch and drinking coffee at a cafe. The subject drifts around (naturally) to education in the U.S.
"Look, if you compare us to anywhere in the world, we're the worst mathematicians anywhere!" says the first professor. "Worse grades, worse competition scores, worse test scores..."
"I'm just saying that I don't think it's as bad as you imply," says the second professor. "America's universities are among the best in the world; it's not..."
"Because people move here for university!" interrupts the first. "If you go out on the street, people don't know anything! Why, I bet that our waitress can't even answer a basic calculus problem!"
The second professor hesitates. "You would, eh?"
"In a second!"
"Fifty bucks?"
"Absolutely!"
"You're on," says the second professor. "I'll ask her when she brings the check. In the meantime, I gotta take a leak. Be right back."
As he walks towards the stalls, however, he carefully detours to pass their waitress as she brings out coffee to another table. "Meet me by the restrooms," he whispers to her, not breaking stride, and he proceeds to hide by the entrance.
A few minutes later, the waitress shows up. She is about to speak when the professor hands her a bill.
"Here's twenty bucks," he says. "Now, when you bring the check, I'm going to ask you a question. I want you to answer, 'One third ex cubed.' Repeat it back to me."
"'One third ex cubed.'"
"Good work. Don't tell anyone." And he walks back to his table.
The professors spend a few more minutes talking and finishing their coffees and danishes, then the first professor signals the waitress to bring the check. She nods, goes into the kitchen, then brings out the check.
"Thank you," says the second professor. "Oh, and by the way: what's the integral of x2?"
The waitress freezes.
"Uh," she says, dumbly. She looks up, staring, as if the wall might have the answer on it.
The second professor begins to get nervous.
"Um..." she says.
Suddenly, she smiles. "One third ex cubed!" she says, triumphantly.
"D—n!" says the first professor. He reaches for his wallet, pulls out fifty bucks, and hands it across the table.
"Told you you were too pessimistic. Here, take the bill out of that," the second professor says, passing a bill to the waitress.
She takes it, turns around, and begins walking away. Then she turns back.
"Plus a constant," she says.
no subject
Date: 2 February 2007 06:14 pm (UTC)Have you heard the one about the two bees who meet in the street?
---L.
no subject
Date: 2 February 2007 06:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2 February 2007 07:43 pm (UTC)The second bee replies, "Oh, not so good -- it's been a bad winter, no flowers anywhere."
"Oh -- I'm glad we met," the first bee says, "because I can help you. If you go two blocks down then take a left, there's a big Jewish wedding going on right now. Flowers and fruit and everything. Go -- now. You won't regret it."
The second bee thanks him and they part.
Later that afternoon, they meet again, and the first bee asks, "So did you go? How was it?"
"Oh! I am stuffed. I couldn't eat another bite in a week. Thank you so much."
"Oh good -- I'm glad I could help," the first bee says. "But, um, what's that on your head?"
"This? It's a yarmukah."
"And, uh, why are you wearing a yarmukah?"
"Well, I didn't want them to think I was a W.A.S.P."
Thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal.
---L.
no subject
Date: 2 February 2007 08:37 pm (UTC)Actually, that reminds me of another stupid riddle: You are locked out of your house. All the doors are locked, all the windows are locked, the chimney is too small to squeeze down, and no-one has a key. What do you do?
Ans: Start running around the house, and keep doing it until you're all in.
And the inverse: Imagine you're in a box. The walls are made of unbreakable mesh, the floor and ceiling are solid metal, the hinges and lock on the door are outside where you can't reach them, and built so strongly you couldn't break them anyway, and you have no tools. How do you get out?
Ans: Stop imagining!
no subject
Date: 2 February 2007 08:48 pm (UTC)---L.
no subject
Date: 2 February 2007 08:49 pm (UTC)---L.
no subject
Date: 2 February 2007 09:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2 February 2007 08:58 pm (UTC)This is another favorite of mine. Better than the Which Tyler joke, I'm sure. ;)
Stop me if you've heard this one...
So this choir is going to perform Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, and some members of the bass section decide that since there's a lot of symphony to get through before the choral bit at the end, they might as well nip off to the pub before doing their part. To make sure the symphony can't go on without them if they get delayed, they get hold of the conductor's score and tie the last pages together.
So the concert starts, and as they reach the final movement of the symphony and the orchestra is getting to the great "Ode to Joy" theme, the conductor tries to turn the page and finds that it's stuck. He looks around and notices the bass section staggering onto the stage, and the horrible truth dawns on him:
It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!
no subject
Date: 2 February 2007 09:36 pm (UTC)Though not as sick of it as his violist girlfriend is of:
You're driving down the road and see a conductor in one lane and a violist in the other. Which do you run over first? The conductor -- business before pleasure.
---L.