Third-grade humor at its finest

[larryhammer]

Joke time! Answers behind the cuts.

Where was Moses when the candle went out?   In the dark.

What kind of car did God drive?   A Plymouth -- it says in Genesis, "He drove them forth in his Fury."

What did the Apostles drive?   A Honda -- "They were all in one Accord."

What did David ride?   "His Triumph was heard throughout the land."

One day Jesus says to his followers, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3 X squared minus 8 X plus 9."   A new Disciple turns to Peter and asks, "What's that mean?" Peter says, "Don't worry -- that's just one of his parabolas."

(Okay, okay, I'll stop with the Biblicals and return to the riddles.)

What's green, fuzzy, has four legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you?   A pool table.

(Or maybe a billiard table -- hard to tell from below what they're playing up in the trees.)

What's yellow and dangerous?   Shark-infested custard.

What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?   A nervous wreck.

What's your favorite stupid riddle?

---L.

Comments

[packbat.livejournal.com]

Well, I must admit a particular fondness for

What is brown and sticky? A stick.

but here are some others:

How do you keep a turkey in suspense? I'll tell you later.
What did the Dalai Lama say to the New York City hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
How do you tell if a rhino is about to charge? He pulls out his credit card.

But most of my favorite jokes aren't riddles.

[angevin2.livejournal.com]

I love stupid jokes. This is why my sister says she'll never respect me as a professor, because she has heard all my stupid jokes.

But what I especially love are jokes that are erudite but also deeply stupid, such as these:

Who led the pedants' revolt? Which Tyler.

What did Macbeth say when he saw Birnam Wood coming to Dunsinane? "Cheese it, the copse!"

[kip-w.livejournal.com]

I was once put on the spot to say something amusing by a young nephew. I'm still fairly pleased with what I made up:

Q: Why does Santa have reindeer pulling his sleigh?
A: That way, if he crashes, at least he won't go hungry.

It put me on his good side. The benefits have lasted... oh, at least 16 years now.

[alpha-strike.livejournal.com]

Who is the knight with a circle on his shield? ... Circumference

I think I've told you this one, but...

[randimason.livejournal.com]

What did they call the steer who swallowed an explosive device?

[maryosmanski.livejournal.com]

Merci millle fois! [A thousand thanks.]

It's Friday afternoon at the end of a very long, tedious week at school, and I needed to snarf my tea. I feel much better now.

[rushthatspeaks.livejournal.com]

Riddles I don't really do. But horrible jokes...

So the first time that Kore was let out of the underworld, she came back to her mother's house, and the whole Roman pantheon was invited over for a huge party. Given the whole goddess-of-grain thing, there was pretty much infinite beer, and everybody got smashed, especially the hostess, whom they just couldn't pry off the dance floor. Even after nobody else was dancing, she'd just stand there turning around and around and around, laughing to herself. So eventually they got Janus, who was the designated driver, to take her upstairs to her room and put her to bed.

Well, some time passed, and Janus didn't come back down, and the ceiling started to shake, and it became fairly obvious that the two of them were engaged in enthusiastic love-making. It got so loud that it started threatening to disrupt the party.

Fortunately, Minerva knew exactly what to say (she always does). "This is a historic occasion," she cried, "and we must celebrate even more! It is, after all, the first time a whirled Ceres has ever been one with a double-header."

All complaints should be directed to my high school Latin teacher.

[klwilliams.livejournal.com]

I like the ones about elephants in trees.

[klwilliams.livejournal.com]

(I made this one up when I was a kid.)
Why was Jesus never sick?
He never got his feet wet.

(These are my favorite geeky ones.)
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?
Elephant grape sine theta.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?
You can't; a mountain climber is a scaler (scalar).

[palomapus.livejournal.com]

Ohh. These are all veddy, veddy erudite indeed. I only have a few particulary five-year old quality ones to offer.

My favorites:
What did the cowboy say to his depressed horse?
...Why the long face?

Why is the ocean so friendly?

...It waves

[borntofr4g.livejournal.com]

Who did they call on to direct the Lego version of The Shining? Stanley Q. Brick.

Who did they choose to be the lead? Jack Brickolson.

What travels back in time, hunts people down, gobbles, and tastes good with stuffing? The Turkeynator.


(I'm done for now. =^P)

[packbat.livejournal.com]

(A year and a quarter later...)

My brother came up with this one - I was just reminded of it:

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Justin.

Justin who?

The Washington Post. If you don't get it, you don't get it.