Third-grade humor at its finest

[larryhammer]

Joke time! Answers behind the cuts.

Where was Moses when the candle went out?   In the dark.

What kind of car did God drive?   A Plymouth -- it says in Genesis, "He drove them forth in his Fury."

What did the Apostles drive?   A Honda -- "They were all in one Accord."

What did David ride?   "His Triumph was heard throughout the land."

One day Jesus says to his followers, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3 X squared minus 8 X plus 9."   A new Disciple turns to Peter and asks, "What's that mean?" Peter says, "Don't worry -- that's just one of his parabolas."

(Okay, okay, I'll stop with the Biblicals and return to the riddles.)

What's green, fuzzy, has four legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you?   A pool table.

(Or maybe a billiard table -- hard to tell from below what they're playing up in the trees.)

What's yellow and dangerous?   Shark-infested custard.

What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?   A nervous wreck.

What's your favorite stupid riddle?

---L.

Comments

[packbat.livejournal.com]

No – I heard the one about the two electrons, but I don't know the two bees. What's that one?

[larryhammer]

So these two bees meet in the street. One bee says, "It's been so long! How have you been?"

The second bee replies, "Oh, not so good -- it's been a bad winter, no flowers anywhere."

"Oh -- I'm glad we met," the first bee says, "because I can help you. If you go two blocks down then take a left, there's a big Jewish wedding going on right now. Flowers and fruit and everything. Go -- now. You won't regret it."

The second bee thanks him and they part.

Later that afternoon, they meet again, and the first bee asks, "So did you go? How was it?"

"Oh! I am stuffed. I couldn't eat another bite in a week. Thank you so much."

"Oh good -- I'm glad I could help," the first bee says. "But, um, what's that on your head?"

"This? It's a yarmukah."

"And, uh, why are you wearing a yarmukah?"

"Well, I didn't want them to think I was a W.A.S.P."


Thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

---L.

[packbat.livejournal.com]

That's pure awesome!

Actually, that reminds me of another stupid riddle: You are locked out of your house. All the doors are locked, all the windows are locked, the chimney is too small to squeeze down, and no-one has a key. What do you do?

Ans: Start running around the house, and keep doing it until you're all in.

And the inverse: Imagine you're in a box. The walls are made of unbreakable mesh, the floor and ceiling are solid metal, the hinges and lock on the door are outside where you can't reach them, and built so strongly you couldn't break them anyway, and you have no tools. How do you get out?

Ans: Stop imagining!

[larryhammer]

I need an icon for glee.

---L.

[larryhammer]

That joke works really well told out loud. It ends up someplace totally unexpected.

---L.

[packbat.livejournal.com]

I bet it does! I saw it in "Boy's Life", though, so I haven't really heard it told.

[angevin2.livejournal.com]

HEEEEEEEEE.

This is another favorite of mine. Better than the Which Tyler joke, I'm sure. ;)

Stop me if you've heard this one...

So this choir is going to perform Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, and some members of the bass section decide that since there's a lot of symphony to get through before the choral bit at the end, they might as well nip off to the pub before doing their part. To make sure the symphony can't go on without them if they get delayed, they get hold of the conductor's score and tie the last pages together.

So the concert starts, and as they reach the final movement of the symphony and the orchestra is getting to the great "Ode to Joy" theme, the conductor tries to turn the page and finds that it's stuck. He looks around and notices the bass section staggering onto the stage, and the horrible truth dawns on him:

It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!

[larryhammer]

Heh. I'd heard that one even before my BiL switched his major to double-bass. (Though I think that version also made some bassists pass out, so the punchline ended "the basses are loaded with two out.") He's now thoroughly sick of it.

Though not as sick of it as his violist girlfriend is of:

You're driving down the road and see a conductor in one lane and a violist in the other. Which do you run over first?   The conductor -- business before pleasure.

---L.