Greek Mythology in 5 Minutes

[larryhammer]

The It Was This Or Work On My Novel Players present:


Greek Mythology in 5 Minutes


Gods and Goddesses: *come into being*

Zeus: Oo, look at the hottie!

Hera: A-hem!

Mortal: Run away! Run away! *transforms*

Zeus: Well, foo.

Another Mortal: Aw, I'm better than some old god or goddess.

Some Old God or Goddess: I heard that!

Another Mortal: Oops. *transforms*

Heracles: *flexes a muscle*

Hera: That's enough of that, young man.

Heracles: *labors*

Cerberus: Arf!³

Orpheus: My singing is so pretty I can bring my wife back from the dead. Mi-mi-mi-mi! As long as I don't peek, that is.

Hades: Ha! Made you look.

Orpheus: *cries*

Yet Another Mortal: *insults, slights, or just forgets god or goddess*

God or Goddess: I'll get you for this! And your little dog, too!

Yet Another Mortal: Oops. *dies horribly*

Theseus: Hey, I'm better than the Herc. *kills Minotaur* See? See?

Everyone Else: *pays no attention*

Pygmalion: Now THAT is a total stone babe.

Tiresias: Did I ever tell you about the time I was a woman? Hoo, boy, that was fun!

Oedipus: *stabs out eyes with spork*

SEVERAL of the ABOVE SCENES are REPEATED in DIFFERENT COMBINATIONS

Eris: Bored now. Let's have a war. *throws apple*

Aphrodite, Athena, & Hera: Mine!³

Paris: I'll pick bachelorette #1, Bob.

Aphrodite: Still the prettiest! Oh, and here's a babe for you.

Helen: You called?

Greeks: Hey! She's OUR babe! *fight Trojans*

Trojans: Screw you -- she's ours now. *fight Greeks*

Helen: All this for silly ol' me? La!

Paris: Dude.

Many Greeks: *die*

Many Trojans: *die*

Remaining Greeks: Bugger all this for a lark. *pretend to go home*

Remaining Trojans: Pony! *take horse home*

Cassandra: I'm getting a bad feeling about this, Mulder.

Remaining Greeks: *sack Troy*

Hecuba: Men are so STUPID.

Odysseus: *spends ten years sleeping with a witch, a goddess, a nymph, and a princess before finally getting home to his wife*

Penelope: Hmph!

Gods and Goddesses: Bugger all this for a lark. *change to New! Sexy! Latin! names*



Which is my cue to either *transform* or *die horribly*.

---L.

Comments

[klwilliams.livejournal.com]

So was the spring storm during the seder just coincidence, or a chance to build up some lightning with your name on it?

[larryhammer]

<glances outside at lingering storm clouds> Lemme get back to you about that.

---L.

[janni.livejournal.com]

Which is my cue to either *transform* or *die horribly*.

I vote for transform.

[danielmedic.livejournal.com]

Yet Another Mortal: Oops. *dies horribly*

...

Many Greeks: *die*

Many Trojans: *die*

That's really the essence, right there.

[larryhammer]

More, Hecuba's line.

---L.

[windrose.livejournal.com]

:;giggles madly::

You're terribly clever. :-)

[larryhammer]

Normally, I'd riff Peter Pan in response. I think not for this subject.

Notice I carefully left the Muses alone, at least by name.

---L.

[windrose.livejournal.com]

Notice I carefully left the Muses alone, at least by name.

I did, and I commend you for your wisdom.

[larryhammer]

I mean, that cheerleader poem was courting enough danger.

---L.

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that just about covers it.

Odysseus: *spends ten years sleeping with a witch, a goddess, a nymph, and a princess before finally getting home to his wife*

I read that as "before finally getting some from his wife."

[larryhammer]

To quote someone else, ::giggles madly::

---L.

[malsperanza.livejournal.com]

*applause*

Favorite line: Heracles: *labors*

It's sort of the Very Sekrit Diaries of the Ancient World.

Europa: *bathe* *bathe* *bathe*

Zeus: Mmmm!

Europa: Eek! Er, Hera will kill you if you try anything.

[larryhammer]

No, Hera will kill her if Zeus tries anything.

But, was Europa actually bathing? I can't remember the abduction clearly. Leda was, I know. Can't think of any others that were, though.

---L.

[malsperanza.livejournal.com]

Europa was by the seashore, wasn't she? Because she is always depicted in paintings as riding off into the sea on the back of the bull. This was how people got to Crete in the days before regular ferry service.

http://www.abcgallery.com/T/titian/titian87.html

Maybe she was washing clothes, like Nausicaa when Odysseus tagged her? Wasn't Io also bathing when she got carried off by sailors, in Herodotus? And Arethusa was bathing in a woodland spring when Some Mortal Guy saw her. Not to mention Artemis bathing in a woodland spring when Actaeon spied on her. Of course, in that instance, things did not go so well for the guy.

But really, when you think about it, in Ancientgreeceland personal hygiene was downright dangerous for women.

[larryhammer]

You're right that she was bathing by the shore -- I'd forgotten. I'm not sure a historizing Herodotus counts as a valid source for this, though.

Arethusa wasn't bathing in a spring -- she was the spring, in some non-trivial way -- and it was a river god, not a mortal. Unless I'm thinking of a different incident.

Then there's the bathing men who get in trouble, like Hermaphroditus. And wasn't Actaeon heading to that pool to refresh himself?

---L.

[malsperanza.livejournal.com]

Herodotus does historicize the myth of Io--he turns the abductors into Phoenician sailors, rather than Zeus. But the principle is the same. However, now that I think of it, he has Io hanging around the port, shopping with her girlfriends. I was always taught that nice girls don't hang around docks when the fleet is in, so maybe this one doesn't count.

Arethusa was bathing in a spring when Some Guy happened upon her (was a god, not a mortal? I'm sure you're right), and in order to avoid being raped, she turned into a spring. Or was turned into a spring.

Actaeon was out hunting in the forest (in best fairy tale tradition) when he happened upon Artemis alone in the woods, having a little skinnydip. He hid and watched her; she saw him and was Not Amused. Zap: dog food.

Then there's Hylas, Heracles' boytoy, who went to fetch water for cooking at a spring (pond? river?) in Asia Minor and was ravished by Naiads and Never Seen Again. chresimos wrote a rather nice longish ode about Hylas. It's somewhere in her LJ from about a year ago.

[larryhammer]

I need to use Hylas sometime. Especially since He gets enough good Pre-Raph press to be reasonably recognized.

---L.

[batwrangler.livejournal.com]

That's so very nice, they should at least make you a constellation. Possibly my favourite line: Cerberus: Arf!³

[larryhammer]

There are some wonderful vase paintings of Heracles in Hades. In one, Persephone is smiling indulgently on as the Herc bends over hesitantly, letting the pooch sniff his hand.

One hopes catasterism will wait till I'm dead by normal means.

---L.

[randimason.livejournal.com]

Brilliant!
Edith Hamilton is rolling over in her grave as we speak.

[larryhammer]

Let her roll. I'm wondering what Robert Graves is doing.

---L.

[windrose.livejournal.com]

Probably thinking, "Damn, I wish I'd written that." ;-)

[malsperanza.livejournal.com]

Pouring another shot.

But Roberto Calasso is feeling v. gloomy and making notes for a rev. ed.

[larryhammer]

I need to reread The Marriage of Cadmus and Harmony. And not only as research for a Thebean tale.

---L.

Oh my!

[ex-leianora730.livejournal.com]

funny stuff! Thanks for the laugh. I needed it.

Re: Oh my!

[larryhammer]

Thanks. Blame janni for suggesting it, though.

---L.

Hee

[calligrafiti.livejournal.com]

I love this bit: Cerberus: Arf!³

Re: Hee

[larryhammer]

I'm fond of that line.

---L.

[galeni.livejournal.com]

Bloody brilliant. Thanks!

[larryhammer]

Yer welcome. I think.

---L.

[djonn]

Hmm. I wonder how much chaos it would cause if one tried to recommend a LiveJournal entry for a Nebula....

[larryhammer]

It's not a professional market, though. <pauses to conside the idea of being paid by LJ>

There's always the Hugo fanwriting category.

---L.

[djonn]

Ah, but the Nebula rules don't say word one about publication having to be professional. (Yes, that does mean that in theory, someone could recommend a work of fanfic, as long as it had been "published" -- and Web publication these days can be construed as publication....)

[janni.livejournal.com]

And I bet everyone on the Neb rules committee is quietly hoping this happens on someone else's watch. :-)

[azdaja-dafema.livejournal.com]

*cracks up* Pretty much sums it up really. Nice work.

[larryhammer]

Thanks.

---L.

[aidenfire]

Very very brilliant! And this is going in memories. Hee.

[larryhammer]

Thankee kindly.

---L.

[alfreda89.livejournal.com]

And to think we spent weeks on this in Freshman English....

Clearly, you need to take care of the houses of Thebes, Atreus, etc. as well.

Thanks for many grins! And superscript? I hadn't noticed that we could use that HTML!

[larryhammer]

I did kinda skimp Atreus (though it could be argued Helen counts for that), but Oedipus sporking himself covers the house of Thebes sufficiently for most purposes. (Not to mention Io and Semele doing turns as Mortal, Niobe as Another Mortal, and Pentheus as Yet Another Mortal. And Heracles is from a cadet branch.)

The largest omissions, actually, are Belerophon and Perseus. Even Perseus's mother doesn't count as a Mortal, what with her not *transforming*.

---L.

[alfreda89.livejournal.com]

Brilliant poets are forgiven all--

[larryhammer]

"Even Homer nods."

[raleighj.livejournal.com]

::grins::

I enjoyed this very much. Especially the "change to New! Sexy! Latin! names!" part. And the "Many Greeks: *die*. Many Trojans: *die*."

[larryhammer]

Glad you enjoyed it. The more I look at it, the more I like Hecuba's line, myself.

---L.

[larryhammer]

Careful with that latte -- it's loaded.

---L.

[shezan.livejournal.com]

Genius! Genius! Pure genius!!!!

[larryhammer]

Oh, not pure at all. Very adulterated.

I'm curious -- how did you hear about this?

---L.