Tennyson tastes better in brief
5 March 2007 07:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
larryhammerBecause one day of snark is not enough for this stuff, Some Guy Productions presents: Idylls of the King in twenty minutes.
The Coming of Arthur
Leodegran: Excuse me, Arthur, old boy? Could you possibly see your way to help defend my kingdom? I'm in a spot of trouble here.
Arthur: If you give me your daughter, yo.
Leodegran: My darling Gwennie? Married to a trumped-up warlord? I don't know about that.
Morgan Bellicent: Trust me, brother-in-law -- he's really the son of my brother, the old king.
Leodegran: But I've heard these rumors --
Morgan Bellicent: His secret son.
Leodegran: But still --
Guinevere: Daddy, he's about to save your ass. Just say yes already. Besides, knights are soooooo dreamy.
Leodegran: Very well, Gwennie -- anything for my little girl.
Arthur: I win the trophy wife! Score! *sends Lancelot to escort Guinevere to Camelot*
*something IMPORTANT happens when they meet, but we don't know what because it's OFF-STAGE -- for a MONTH*
Gareth and Lynette
Gareth: Mo-o-o-o-om! I wanna become one of my uncle's knights, like my brothers!
Morgan Bellicent: Fine -- but only if you work for a year as his kitchen knave.
Gareth: Yay! Bye!
Morgan Bellicent: Uh, wait -- that was a bluff. I didn't think you'd go for that. Son?
Gareth: *labors in Arthur's kitchen for a year* *keeps his armor shiny in his spare time*
Lynette: Hey, King -- these four guys are besieging my sister in Castle Perilous. Loan me a knight to free her.
Gareth: Me! me! me! Call on me, teach!
Arthur: *recognizes his nephew* Uh, sure, go for it.
Lynette: You call yourself a king? I said a KNIGHT not a KNAVE. *runs away*
Gareth: *follows her*
Lynette: Get AWAY from me.
Gareth: Think of it this way -- Arthur's so confident of his Round Table, he thinks the least of his court can handle this.
Lynette: Bite me.
Gareth: *defeats first guy*
Lynette: Lucky shot.
Gareth: *defeats second guy*
Lynette: Huh. I still want a REAL knight, though.
Gareth: *defeats third guy*
Lynette: Okay, you're not half-bad. For a KNAVE.
Fourth Guy: *puts a SKULL on his helmet and BONES on his BLACK ARMOR* F33R ME! IM L33T!
Gareth: *taps goth!knight on head, who falls over because he was the weakest*
Lynette: Yay -- you the man! And now that I think about it, pretty studly.
Gareth: *marries her*
Lynette's Sister: Wait, in Malory, he marries me. YOU STOLE MY BOYFRIEND YOU BITCH.
Lynette: Bite me.
The Marriage of Geriant and Enid
Geriant: I used to think it's cool my wife's tight with the Queen, but there's these rumors of Guinevere having an affair. If they're true, she may make Enid UNFAITHFUL by contagion. Wife -- we're leaving Town for the family estate.
Enid: *obeys him*
Geriant: *worries Enid may be UNFAITHFUL to him anyway*
Enid: *worries that he's worried because she's not a good enough wife*
Geriant: "Not a good enough wife"? That means she's been UNFAITHFUL ALL ALONG. To prove it, I'll test her obedience.
Enid: *obeys him* *reminisces about how he SAVED HER from POVERTY and then even MARRIED HER, which is why she worships him SOOO MUCH* *breaks his orders to save his life*
Geriant: See? See? Disobedient UNFAITHFULNESS!
Enid: *saves him a few more times*
Reader: *gags*
Geriant: *almost dies, before finally believing she's really and truly FAITHFUL to him, thus demonstrating that when knights are PURE to the ideals of the Round Table, TRUE LOVE can overcome even ABSOLUTE STUPIDITY*
Balin and Balan
Balin: I'm the brother with anger management issues.
Balan: I'm the brother who stuck with him when he was exiled for killing a servant.
Arthur: Yo, B-Man -- go kill the demon we hear's causing problems in that forest.
Balan: You mean me or Guildenstern?
Arthur: YOU.
Balin: With the only prop to my mental stability gone, I think I'll fixate on the PURITY that is the QUEEN.
Rumor: You know, I heard Guinevere's sleeping with Lancelot.
Balin: SHUT UP! I CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA!
Vivien: No, really, Gwennie's totally doing him.
Balin: AAAIIIEEE! *runs mad in the forest*
Balan: Finally found that demon yay! Now to kill it.
Balin: RAR!
*they kill each other*
Vivien: Bwahahaha! *twirls her mustache*
Merlin and Vivien
Vivien: We hates this Camelot, we hates it, we hates it forever! Which is why I'm lady-in-waiting to the Queen, so I can spread rumors about her sleeping with Lancelot.
Knights: Lucky bastard. Er, I mean, we don't believe it, because our hearts are PURE.
Vivien: Right, time for Plan B: seduce Merlin.
Merlin: 'K the reason I haven't gotten laid in, like, a generation is that I creep out all the chicks. Her blushing at me is creeping ME out. I'd better run away to Brittany.
Vivien: *stows away in his boat* Hey, Merlie? Now that we're alone, teach me that spell that traps someone forever, and by someone I totally don't mean you, but in case I get attacked.
Merlin: No.
Vivien: *climbs on his lap* Pretty please? Don't you trust me?
Merlin: Nope.
Vivien: Waaa!
Merlin: Crying won't work either.
Vivien: Fine. I give up. *walks out, lets rain plaster her gown to her body in a way that is totally HAWT*
Merlin: Um, wait!
Thunder: BOOM!
Vivien: Eek! Scared!
Merlin: *feels sorry for her* Get back here.
Vivien: *climbs back in his lap* *quivers lip* *trembles voice* Pleeease teach me?
Merlin: OK.
Vivien: *uses spell on him* Bwahahaha! *twirls her mustache*
Lancelot and Elaine
Arthur: Yo, Lance -- time for the annual joust.
Lancelot: *glances at Guinevere* Uh, not this year -- my old injury's acting up.
Arthur: Uh, right. Whatever you say. *leaves for tourney*
Guinevere: You idjit! That look meant "Win it again for me" -- not "Stay with me"! Now he suspects us!
Lancelot: *thinks fast* No, see, I stayed behind because want to enter under a pseudonym, just to show that it's the quality of mywriting fighting and not that my name on the cover makes it a best-seller everyone gives up because they expect to lose to me. *stops at Elaine's father's house to borrow an anonymous shield*
Elaine: Could you, yanno, maybe, likego out with me wear my sleeve on your helmet?
Lancelot: But I never do that.
Elaine: See? Totally perfect disguise!
Lancelot: Uh. You know, that's not a bad idea, kid.
Elaine: SQUEEEEEE! I'm going to keep his real shield polished, and dust it, and make it a cozy to keep it clean, and everything. He's soooooo dreamy.
Lancelot Unknown Knight: *takes down everyone at tourney*
Knights: Who the fuck is this upstart? *gang up on him in an UNCHIVALROUS way*
Lancelot Unknown Knight: *is seriously injured but wins anyway* *disappears*
Arthur: Who was that masked man?
Elaine: *nurses Lancelot back to health*
Lancelot: Thanks, kid. Name your reward.
Elaine: Marry me!
Lancelot: Sorry, but I'm not the marrying sort.
Elaine: Waaa!
Lancelot: Uh. Er. Look, this is just a schoolgirl crush. You'll fall in love for real someday. Listen, I gotta go.
Elaine: I'll show you! I -- I -- I'll die of a BROKEN HEART, and then you'll be SORRY! *dies*
Elaine's Father: You silly girl, you're from Astolat, not Shallot. *puts her corpse on a barge*
Arthur: Yo, Lance! Don't scare me like that -- you're my best bro. *hugs Lancelot*
Guinevere: How dare you wear another girl's sleeve tothe Prom the tourney? *slaps Lancelot*
Letter Found in Elaine's Hand When Her Barge Passes Camelot: I hope you all feel SORRY for yourselves!
Lancelot: *feels guilty all around*
The Holy Grail
Percivale: *reminisces at GREAT LENGTH about how the whole Round Table tried to one-up each other by finding the Holy Grail, only to all FAIL because they did it from IMPURE MOTIVES*
Monk: So you're saying that fanaticism is just as dangerous as materialism?
Percivale: Uh, if you say so.
Pelleas and Ettarre
Pelleas: Hi, I'm Gareth's replacement, barely dry behind the ears. I long to perform feats of chivalric daring-do for my True Love, only -- I don't have a girlfriend.
Ettarre: Hey, big boy -- which way to Camelot?
Pelleas: *stammers incoherently, blushes all over, breaks out in acne*
Ettarre: What a drip. But with big biceps. If you wins the tourney for me, that'd make a great entrance in Camelot society. Will you?
Pelleas: *jerks head up and down rapidly* *wins tourney with the PURITY of hisCRUSH LOVE* *follows her around like a puppy*
Ettarre: Will no one rid me of Sir Baby? [Ed. Note: She really calls him that.]
Pelleas: *takes down her knights MANY TIMES, but lets himself be CAPTURED and BOUND before her, because that lets him see her*
Ettarre: Spare me.
Gawain: Listen, bondage-boy, why don't you let an experienced man plead your case? Give me two days, three tops, and I'll make her yours.
Pelleas: Gee thanks, mister.
Ettarre: Hello, sailor.
Gawain: Hey, beautiful. Let's you and me entertain ourselves. *screws her for three days straight*
Reader: *looks at Sir Gawain and the Green Knight and Malory* *looks at this Gawain* *cries*
19th Century Critic Who Claimed Tennyson Never Wrote a Line That Would Make a Maiden Blush: I didn't see that.
Pelleas: Time's up -- where's my girl? Better turn into a NINJA and sneak into her castle. *finds Ettarre sleeping with Gawain* *puts his naked sword across their throats*
Ettarre: Oops. Maybe he had good points after all.
Pelleas: All women are WHORES and all knights are ADULTERERS! Boo you, Arthur!
Mordred: *twirls mustache*
The Last Tournament
Arthur: Oy, Pelleas is giving me tsuris up North. Lance, while I go take care of him, you umpire the tourney in my place, next to Guinevere.
Lancelot: This is SO not a good idea. *is depressed*
Knights: *fight unfairly*
Lancelot: Whatevs -- we're fucked, anyway.
Tristram: I win! As for giving the prize to the Queen of Beauty here, I say, "Bite me." I got my own old lady. TWO of 'em, boo ya. Suckers!
Guinevere: *is pissed*
Lancelot: *is depressed*
Knights: Chivalry is dead and the Round Table is a farce. We're fucked.
The Isolt Tristram Didn't Marry: Your marrying the other Isolt? STILL MAD ABOUT THAT.
Tristram: Aw, come on, babe. You're still my girl -- see, here's the prize from that tourney-thing I just won.
The Isolt Tristram Didn't Marry: Oo pretty!
*they screw*
Isolt's Husband: *kills Tristram while he's busy in bed*
19th Century Critic Who Claimed Tennyson Never Wrote a Line That Would Make a Maiden Blush: NOT LOOKING.
The Isolt Tristram Did Marry: *snff*
Mordred: *twirls mustache*
Guinevere
Lancelot: We can't keep meeting like this. It's too dangerous.
Guinevere: One last time? Pretty please?
Lancelot: Fine, one more last time. But for real, this time.
Mordred: See? See? They'll totally having an affair -- and I've got witnesses!
Lancelot: Oh, bugger.
Guinevere: Oops. Time to retire to a nunnery. Anonymously.
Arthur: RAR! Here, Mordred, you run the kingdom while I ruin it with a WAR AGAINST MY FORMER BEST FRIEND.
Mordred: Boo ya -- now I'm king!
Novice Attending Guinevere: I know why you're so sad, m'lady -- because that traitor queen betrayed us all into civil war.
Guinevere: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
Arthur: Thanks to you, I've killed most of my knights and Mordred deposed me in a coup. BITCH.
Guinevere: *whimpers at GREAT LENGTH*
Reader: Can I have some mouthwash please? Or at least some fun mustache-twirling?
The Fall of Arthur
Mordred: *fights Arthur*
Arthur: *fights Mordred*
Mordred: *is killed while giving Arthur a mortal wound*
Arthur: Throw Excalibur into that lake over there.
Bedivere: You're kidding me, right?
Arthur: Just do it.
Bedivere: I mean, we can get a couple thou for it, easy.
Arthur: For the last time, throw it in the damn lake.
Bedivere: Okay, okay, mate.
Watery Tart: *catches Excalibur and takes it back underwater*
Bedivere: WTF? Maybe that last buffet on me 'elm was a bit 'arder than I thought.
Arthur: *is taken off toAvalon Avilion before he can DIE in a NOBLE and CHIVALROUS manner*
Reader: *snff*
Tennyson: I hope you understand the universality of the --
Reader: BITE ME.
In all seriousness, though: The common claim that Tennyson didn't have the brains to write great poetry? Not buying it -- not based on the Idylls of the King, anyway. Also, Auden's claim that Tennyson had the best ear, perhaps, of any English poet is spot on. There's not many single passages that excite, but there's enough beautifully turned lines to fill a dozen Camelots. And hardly any clunkers.
Is it great poetry? Not really -- see that comment about excitement. He's a somewhat better talespinner than Spencer, but not by much, and a narrative poem stands or falls on its narration. Unless, as with The Faerie Queene there's enough other goodies to chew on. (And no, I don't just mean the porn.)
Which is why someone needs to rewrite the Arthurian cycle replacing the knights with ninjas. That would totally rock.
---L.
The Coming of Arthur
Leodegran: Excuse me, Arthur, old boy? Could you possibly see your way to help defend my kingdom? I'm in a spot of trouble here.
Arthur: If you give me your daughter, yo.
Leodegran: My darling Gwennie? Married to a trumped-up warlord? I don't know about that.
Leodegran: But I've heard these rumors --
Leodegran: But still --
Guinevere: Daddy, he's about to save your ass. Just say yes already. Besides, knights are soooooo dreamy.
Leodegran: Very well, Gwennie -- anything for my little girl.
Arthur: I win the trophy wife! Score! *sends Lancelot to escort Guinevere to Camelot*
*something IMPORTANT happens when they meet, but we don't know what because it's OFF-STAGE -- for a MONTH*
Gareth and Lynette
Gareth: Mo-o-o-o-om! I wanna become one of my uncle's knights, like my brothers!
Gareth: Yay! Bye!
Gareth: *labors in Arthur's kitchen for a year* *keeps his armor shiny in his spare time*
Lynette: Hey, King -- these four guys are besieging my sister in Castle Perilous. Loan me a knight to free her.
Gareth: Me! me! me! Call on me, teach!
Arthur: *recognizes his nephew* Uh, sure, go for it.
Lynette: You call yourself a king? I said a KNIGHT not a KNAVE. *runs away*
Gareth: *follows her*
Lynette: Get AWAY from me.
Gareth: Think of it this way -- Arthur's so confident of his Round Table, he thinks the least of his court can handle this.
Lynette: Bite me.
Gareth: *defeats first guy*
Lynette: Lucky shot.
Gareth: *defeats second guy*
Lynette: Huh. I still want a REAL knight, though.
Gareth: *defeats third guy*
Lynette: Okay, you're not half-bad. For a KNAVE.
Fourth Guy: *puts a SKULL on his helmet and BONES on his BLACK ARMOR* F33R ME! IM L33T!
Gareth: *taps goth!knight on head, who falls over because he was the weakest*
Lynette: Yay -- you the man! And now that I think about it, pretty studly.
Gareth: *marries her*
Lynette's Sister: Wait, in Malory, he marries me. YOU STOLE MY BOYFRIEND YOU BITCH.
Lynette: Bite me.
The Marriage of Geriant and Enid
Geriant: I used to think it's cool my wife's tight with the Queen, but there's these rumors of Guinevere having an affair. If they're true, she may make Enid UNFAITHFUL by contagion. Wife -- we're leaving Town for the family estate.
Enid: *obeys him*
Geriant: *worries Enid may be UNFAITHFUL to him anyway*
Enid: *worries that he's worried because she's not a good enough wife*
Geriant: "Not a good enough wife"? That means she's been UNFAITHFUL ALL ALONG. To prove it, I'll test her obedience.
Enid: *obeys him* *reminisces about how he SAVED HER from POVERTY and then even MARRIED HER, which is why she worships him SOOO MUCH* *breaks his orders to save his life*
Geriant: See? See? Disobedient UNFAITHFULNESS!
Enid: *saves him a few more times*
Reader: *gags*
Geriant: *almost dies, before finally believing she's really and truly FAITHFUL to him, thus demonstrating that when knights are PURE to the ideals of the Round Table, TRUE LOVE can overcome even ABSOLUTE STUPIDITY*
Balin and Balan
Balin: I'm the brother with anger management issues.
Balan: I'm the brother who stuck with him when he was exiled for killing a servant.
Arthur: Yo, B-Man -- go kill the demon we hear's causing problems in that forest.
Balan: You mean me or Guildenstern?
Arthur: YOU.
Balin: With the only prop to my mental stability gone, I think I'll fixate on the PURITY that is the QUEEN.
Rumor: You know, I heard Guinevere's sleeping with Lancelot.
Balin: SHUT UP! I CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA!
Vivien: No, really, Gwennie's totally doing him.
Balin: AAAIIIEEE! *runs mad in the forest*
Balan: Finally found that demon yay! Now to kill it.
Balin: RAR!
*they kill each other*
Vivien: Bwahahaha! *twirls her mustache*
Merlin and Vivien
Vivien: We hates this Camelot, we hates it, we hates it forever! Which is why I'm lady-in-waiting to the Queen, so I can spread rumors about her sleeping with Lancelot.
Knights: Lucky bastard. Er, I mean, we don't believe it, because our hearts are PURE.
Vivien: Right, time for Plan B: seduce Merlin.
Merlin: 'K the reason I haven't gotten laid in, like, a generation is that I creep out all the chicks. Her blushing at me is creeping ME out. I'd better run away to Brittany.
Vivien: *stows away in his boat* Hey, Merlie? Now that we're alone, teach me that spell that traps someone forever, and by someone I totally don't mean you, but in case I get attacked.
Merlin: No.
Vivien: *climbs on his lap* Pretty please? Don't you trust me?
Merlin: Nope.
Vivien: Waaa!
Merlin: Crying won't work either.
Vivien: Fine. I give up. *walks out, lets rain plaster her gown to her body in a way that is totally HAWT*
Merlin: Um, wait!
Thunder: BOOM!
Vivien: Eek! Scared!
Merlin: *feels sorry for her* Get back here.
Vivien: *climbs back in his lap* *quivers lip* *trembles voice* Pleeease teach me?
Merlin: OK.
Vivien: *uses spell on him* Bwahahaha! *twirls her mustache*
Lancelot and Elaine
Arthur: Yo, Lance -- time for the annual joust.
Lancelot: *glances at Guinevere* Uh, not this year -- my old injury's acting up.
Arthur: Uh, right. Whatever you say. *leaves for tourney*
Guinevere: You idjit! That look meant "Win it again for me" -- not "Stay with me"! Now he suspects us!
Lancelot: *thinks fast* No, see, I stayed behind because want to enter under a pseudonym, just to show that it's the quality of my
Elaine: Could you, yanno, maybe, like
Lancelot: But I never do that.
Elaine: See? Totally perfect disguise!
Lancelot: Uh. You know, that's not a bad idea, kid.
Elaine: SQUEEEEEE! I'm going to keep his real shield polished, and dust it, and make it a cozy to keep it clean, and everything. He's soooooo dreamy.
Knights: Who the fuck is this upstart? *gang up on him in an UNCHIVALROUS way*
Arthur: Who was that masked man?
Elaine: *nurses Lancelot back to health*
Lancelot: Thanks, kid. Name your reward.
Elaine: Marry me!
Lancelot: Sorry, but I'm not the marrying sort.
Elaine: Waaa!
Lancelot: Uh. Er. Look, this is just a schoolgirl crush. You'll fall in love for real someday. Listen, I gotta go.
Elaine: I'll show you! I -- I -- I'll die of a BROKEN HEART, and then you'll be SORRY! *dies*
Elaine's Father: You silly girl, you're from Astolat, not Shallot. *puts her corpse on a barge*
Arthur: Yo, Lance! Don't scare me like that -- you're my best bro. *hugs Lancelot*
Guinevere: How dare you wear another girl's sleeve to
Letter Found in Elaine's Hand When Her Barge Passes Camelot: I hope you all feel SORRY for yourselves!
Lancelot: *feels guilty all around*
The Holy Grail
Percivale: *reminisces at GREAT LENGTH about how the whole Round Table tried to one-up each other by finding the Holy Grail, only to all FAIL because they did it from IMPURE MOTIVES*
Monk: So you're saying that fanaticism is just as dangerous as materialism?
Percivale: Uh, if you say so.
Pelleas and Ettarre
Pelleas: Hi, I'm Gareth's replacement, barely dry behind the ears. I long to perform feats of chivalric daring-do for my True Love, only -- I don't have a girlfriend.
Ettarre: Hey, big boy -- which way to Camelot?
Pelleas: *stammers incoherently, blushes all over, breaks out in acne*
Ettarre: What a drip. But with big biceps. If you wins the tourney for me, that'd make a great entrance in Camelot society. Will you?
Pelleas: *jerks head up and down rapidly* *wins tourney with the PURITY of his
Ettarre: Will no one rid me of Sir Baby? [Ed. Note: She really calls him that.]
Pelleas: *takes down her knights MANY TIMES, but lets himself be CAPTURED and BOUND before her, because that lets him see her*
Ettarre: Spare me.
Gawain: Listen, bondage-boy, why don't you let an experienced man plead your case? Give me two days, three tops, and I'll make her yours.
Pelleas: Gee thanks, mister.
Ettarre: Hello, sailor.
Gawain: Hey, beautiful. Let's you and me entertain ourselves. *screws her for three days straight*
Reader: *looks at Sir Gawain and the Green Knight and Malory* *looks at this Gawain* *cries*
19th Century Critic Who Claimed Tennyson Never Wrote a Line That Would Make a Maiden Blush: I didn't see that.
Pelleas: Time's up -- where's my girl? Better turn into a NINJA and sneak into her castle. *finds Ettarre sleeping with Gawain* *puts his naked sword across their throats*
Ettarre: Oops. Maybe he had good points after all.
Pelleas: All women are WHORES and all knights are ADULTERERS! Boo you, Arthur!
Mordred: *twirls mustache*
The Last Tournament
Arthur: Oy, Pelleas is giving me tsuris up North. Lance, while I go take care of him, you umpire the tourney in my place, next to Guinevere.
Lancelot: This is SO not a good idea. *is depressed*
Knights: *fight unfairly*
Lancelot: Whatevs -- we're fucked, anyway.
Tristram: I win! As for giving the prize to the Queen of Beauty here, I say, "Bite me." I got my own old lady. TWO of 'em, boo ya. Suckers!
Guinevere: *is pissed*
Lancelot: *is depressed*
Knights: Chivalry is dead and the Round Table is a farce. We're fucked.
The Isolt Tristram Didn't Marry: Your marrying the other Isolt? STILL MAD ABOUT THAT.
Tristram: Aw, come on, babe. You're still my girl -- see, here's the prize from that tourney-thing I just won.
The Isolt Tristram Didn't Marry: Oo pretty!
*they screw*
Isolt's Husband: *kills Tristram while he's busy in bed*
19th Century Critic Who Claimed Tennyson Never Wrote a Line That Would Make a Maiden Blush: NOT LOOKING.
The Isolt Tristram Did Marry: *snff*
Mordred: *twirls mustache*
Guinevere
Lancelot: We can't keep meeting like this. It's too dangerous.
Guinevere: One last time? Pretty please?
Lancelot: Fine, one more last time. But for real, this time.
Mordred: See? See? They'll totally having an affair -- and I've got witnesses!
Lancelot: Oh, bugger.
Guinevere: Oops. Time to retire to a nunnery. Anonymously.
Arthur: RAR! Here, Mordred, you run the kingdom while I ruin it with a WAR AGAINST MY FORMER BEST FRIEND.
Mordred: Boo ya -- now I'm king!
Novice Attending Guinevere: I know why you're so sad, m'lady -- because that traitor queen betrayed us all into civil war.
Guinevere: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
Arthur: Thanks to you, I've killed most of my knights and Mordred deposed me in a coup. BITCH.
Guinevere: *whimpers at GREAT LENGTH*
Reader: Can I have some mouthwash please? Or at least some fun mustache-twirling?
The Fall of Arthur
Mordred: *fights Arthur*
Arthur: *fights Mordred*
Mordred: *is killed while giving Arthur a mortal wound*
Arthur: Throw Excalibur into that lake over there.
Bedivere: You're kidding me, right?
Arthur: Just do it.
Bedivere: I mean, we can get a couple thou for it, easy.
Arthur: For the last time, throw it in the damn lake.
Bedivere: Okay, okay, mate.
Watery Tart: *catches Excalibur and takes it back underwater*
Bedivere: WTF? Maybe that last buffet on me 'elm was a bit 'arder than I thought.
Arthur: *is taken off to
Reader: *snff*
Tennyson: I hope you understand the universality of the --
Reader: BITE ME.
In all seriousness, though: The common claim that Tennyson didn't have the brains to write great poetry? Not buying it -- not based on the Idylls of the King, anyway. Also, Auden's claim that Tennyson had the best ear, perhaps, of any English poet is spot on. There's not many single passages that excite, but there's enough beautifully turned lines to fill a dozen Camelots. And hardly any clunkers.
Is it great poetry? Not really -- see that comment about excitement. He's a somewhat better talespinner than Spencer, but not by much, and a narrative poem stands or falls on its narration. Unless, as with The Faerie Queene there's enough other goodies to chew on. (And no, I don't just mean the porn.)
Which is why someone needs to rewrite the Arthurian cycle replacing the knights with ninjas. That would totally rock.
---L.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 5 March 2007 04:50 pm (UTC)I reallyreallyreally don't want to see an anime version of the Arthurian mythos, or one with vampires. Really.
no subject
Date: 5 March 2007 06:35 pm (UTC)Now I'm wondering what Kurosawa would have done with a samurai movie version of the Arthur story.
---L.
no subject
Date: 5 March 2007 10:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 5 March 2007 11:17 pm (UTC)When he gets his action up, he's not at all boring, actually. My advice in the future is to start with part 2, which is in several respects the best of the lot. The lack of ninjas is barely a problem, in that one.
---L.
no subject
Date: 7 March 2007 12:48 am (UTC)For that matter, Longfellow, the Victorian kitschmeister who otherwise wins the prize for Most Words to Least Value Ratio, produced an excellent translation of Dante. Go figure.