(no subject)

[larryhammer]

After a dozen Heyers and a couple other Regencies in the past three weeks, I find myself wanting to read the Tough Guide to Regencyshire:

Do not be alarmed at the number of PERSONS who greet you on your arrival. They are only there to introduce you to the initial problem through conversation, and only one or two will take part in your ADVENTURE. However, you are obligated to keep the Persons and all their relationships straight, as most of them will be referred to in the course of affairs. In particular, the VACUOUS EGOIST will act as a foil for some part of your Adventure, but not be the focus of action, unless they are a BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY.

Except, of course, that applies only to the district of Heyerton. Any other entries we should make note of?

---L.

Comments

[theodosia.livejournal.com]

Austen, of course, and Gothics up through Dickinsville and Wilkie-Collinswood?

[larryhammer]

Yes, but they're writing about their own time, and so get it right.

---L.

DARK BYRONIC MAN

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

Should you meet a tall, dark, dominant man who ruthlessly overrides your wishes, pause and consider your own character. Are you a feisty, self-confident lady (possibly no longer YOUNG) who tends to override her weaker friends? If so, you have met your LOVE MATCH and should proceed immediately to SUBLIMATED EROTIC SPARRING. If, on the other hand, you are a timid, shy young lady, easily trampled, you have met your EROTIC THREAT. Begin immediately to write LONG DESCRIPTIVE LETTERS to your closest friends. Be sure to request that they keep copies.

Re: DARK BYRONIC MAN

[larryhammer]

Oh dear yes. Good one.

---L.

[malsperanza.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing*

Or rather,

*faints artistically onto the sopha*

[larryhammer]

Short coats A style of clothing worn by younger children. However, unlike the Schoolroom, Adventurers never approach the Nursery, and as a result no one has ever seen short coats nor has the least idea what they look like.

---L.

[jorrie-spencer.livejournal.com]

Who else besides Heyer were you reading? I haven't had a lot of luck with regencies. Or historicals, for that matter. I read much more contemporary romance. However, I suspect I am about to glom Laura Kinsale.

[larryhammer]

Rereading a couple early books of Madeleine Robins. They aren't very successfully plotted (as she herself readily admits) and the best one, The Spanish Marriage, relies heavily on an idiot plot, but they have considerable charm, and the consequences of the idiocy are well worked through.

You may like Robins's new Regency mysteries, starting with Point of Honor, which are really alternate history hardboiled female detective novels wrapped in Regency clothing. Heyer writes Chandler.

I'm holding some early Jo Beverleys in reserve, from before she started writing Regency Historicals (though I don't know if they're still called that).

---L.

ALMACK'S

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

All Tours must make a stop at this Mandatory Destination. Even though vouchers are supposedly difficult to get, you may be assured that the notoriously kindhearted Lady Jersey will overlook your manifold flaws. If you are an EXCEPTIONAL CATCH, you may instead speak to Countess Lieven, Mrs. Drummond Burell, Lady Castlereagh, Lady Cowper, Lady Sefton, or Princess Esterhazy. In any case, the results are the same; patrons of our Tours are never denied vouchers.

Once you are actually admitted within these doors (be sure to arrive before eleven!), you may wonder what all the fuss is about. Certainly your fellow guests will be at pains to complain about the tedium of the company, the refreshments, and the music. No matter. After you have stopped at ALMACK'S, you are free to proceed to the more entertaining venues of a RIDOTTO, VAUXHALL, or possibly a MASKED BALL. A lady who has been to Almack's can do anything she wants to. Patrons of our tours generally take full advantage of that liberty.

You are not allowed to WALTZ until you have been given approval by a patroness. Again, none of our patrons has ever been denied this permission.

If you are a WITTY SKEPTICAL LADY, you may begin to wonder whether our Tour has a financial arrangement with the Patronesses. We recommend that such ladies save their wit and skepticism for the EROTIC MATCH.

Re: ALMACK'S

[larryhammer]

You're definitely better at this than me. Hee!

---L.

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

You will know you are a HEROINE if you have a pair of SPEAKING EYES, and your laugh is a GURGLE DEEP IN YOUR THROAT. Other signs: a SPENDTHRIFT BROTHER who speaks in nothing but THIEVES' CANT (see also PIERCE EGAN); a SUITOR who is good, kind, clean-cut, very serious, probably a COUSIN, who will try to murder the HERO by the end of the TOUR.

[athenais.livejournal.com]

In addition, your head of GUINEA GOLD HAIR will mark you as a HEROINE, unless you turn out to be the harmless JUVENILE FLIRT who is as pretty and empty-headed as a WIDGEON, in which case you will wreak romantic havoc on the young men of your party until you end up safely engaged to an older, wealthy SUITOR.

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

You will know you are in HEYERTON (as opposed to AUSTENDALE) if the time of your TOUR is the REGENCY, but you use the word TON as a noun instead of as an adjective.

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

Only sign up to be a GOVERNESS if you are in HEYERTON. Your TOUR will then furnish you with a HANDSOME HERO to MARRY, who will find your lapses into THIEVES' CANT cute, and with a CHILD in SHORT COATS who is conveniently parked for many hours while you are enjoying the TOUR doing VERBAL DUELS with the HERO, only popping up to interrupt PASSIONATE SCENES.

WARNING: Do not sign up to be a Governess in BRONTEVILLE. There are no FRENCH GOWNS or AL FRESCO PIC-NICS for Governesses in Bronteville. The HERO will be the VICTORIAN BYRONIC MODEL who is extremely high maintenance, and you will be expected to WORK like a DRUDGE until your VIRTUE rewards you with RESPETABILITY along with the VICTORIAN BYRONIC MODEL, who will by then be BLIND, DRUNK, OR MAIMED.

[larryhammer]

Actually, you are advised to avoid Bronteville altogether. The inhabitants are grim and gloomy, and live disagreably far from TOWN.

---L.

MONEY

[movingfinger.livejournal.com]

If you are a BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY or the HEROINE, your LOVE MATCH will cross CLASS boundaries effortlessly and result in a life of financial security and even LUXURY undreamt-of by 99.99% of the population of EUROPE. Even if you are a GOVERNESS (but only in HEYERTON), you will always have the correct GOWN for any OCCASION and you need not spend days sewing, dyeing, mending, improvising, or remaking garments (see DRUDGE). Should you appear incorrectly clothed, e.g. in a sheer BALLGOWN in a COACH after MIDNIGHT on the road to GRETNA GREEN, the EFFECT will be considered charming or INTERESTING, not shocking.

Re: MONEY

[larryhammer]

I think Charming and Interesting are OMTs, not entries. Or rather, delightfully charming^OMT.

---L.

[larryhammer]

I have a suspicion that while you Tour Fantasyland, you Adventure in Regencyshire. But that may be the effect of too many OVER-YOUNG GOVERNESSES.

---L.

[larryhammer]

Hair powder - Something which used to be in fashion, but which hasn't been worn for over a generation. You may encounter a GRANDPARENT's complaint about this disuse, but you may safely ignore his or her speech as merely part of the LOCAL COLOR.

Other ignorable styles which have gone out of fashion incude lace NECKCLOTHS and cuffs, brocade DRESSES, and wigs. If you encounter any of these, the appropriate response is a faint embarrassment at the failings of taste in your ELDERS.

---L.

[larryhammer]

odious - Use this word with great care. Despite its repulsive meaning, its sense is invariably affectionate, and if you find yourself calling a gentleman not related to you odious man^OMT, you have marked that person as your EROTIC MATCH. There will be nothing for it but to give in to their advances in the end -- after a suitable amount of WITTY SPARING, of course.

---L.

SEX

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

This topic requires considerable thought, preferably before booking the Tour. As a general rule, unmarried ladies do not have SEX; married ladies are never allowed to book Tours, and thus are outside the scope of this volume.

There is no SEX whatever in Heyerton or Austenville. Something embarrassing must happen to produce BABIES, but the details remain obscure. Notwithstanding this lacuna, any young lady who is alone with a young gentleman will be suspected of having done something impermissible. Married ladies may feel free to speculate on the parentage of other married ladies' children; their own always bear a strong resemblance to their dear Papa.

If you nonetheless wish to partake of SEX, we suggest booking a somewhat racier TOUR. Discretion remains mandatory; if you are discovered to have enjoyed SEX, you may find yourself unable to attend parties until your hasty and clandestine MARRIAGE.

Re: SEX

[merriehaskell.livejournal.com]

On the subject of MARRIAGE:

Should you choose (chuse) to marry while in Regencyshire, you must not, under any circumstances, go the regular route and have the BANNS read. Indeed, if you are not planning to ELOPE on the GREAT NORTH ROAD to GRETNA GREEN, your EROTIC MATCH is obliged to obtain a SPECIAL LICENSE from the Archbishop of Canterbury, so that you may be married within three days. Naturally, if you had to wait three weeks for the BANNS to be read, some DIAMOND OF THE FIRST WATER will doubtless come and snatch your BUCK out from under your very nose, and it will only be your own fault.

[palomapus.livejournal.com]

I dream of reading just for the joy of reading. When I read your posts, and Janni's, my heart sort of constricts! I remember when I got to read stuff just for the sake of reading and I had not filled my brain with statutes, regulations and cases. I am a lurker!

[janni.livejournal.com]

Delurk! Delurk! :-)

[rushthatspeaks.livejournal.com]

It is important to remember that the only purpose of TOWN and of the TON is to provide a venue for the MARRIAGE MART, and that many of the ELIGIBLE GENTLEMEN you will meet on your Adventure have arrived for the purpose of MARRYING OFF their SISTERS, COUSINS and AUNTS, several of whom may be SPINSTERS. Should your EROTIC MATCH be in the position of having female relatives to MARRY OFF, you will be obliged to supply a BROTHER or a BROTHER'S BEST FRIEND for at least one of them. Be aware, however, that if your BROTHER is a particularly interesting person, or if one of the SISTERS, COUSINS or AUNTS is pretty (OMT), witty (OMT), or (especially) vivacious, you may not, in fact be the HEROINE, and will find your ROMANCE proceeding in a dull, quick, and EPISTOLARY fashion ending with a sudden DOUBLE WEDDING.

[larryhammer]

Wait, if there are any Epistolary Adventures in Regencyshire, I wanna know about them. Aside from Sourcery and Ceceilia, of course, which is off in some Alternative County.

Stand and deliver their titles. I should warn you I'm a fair shot with this. (q.v. HIGHWAYMEN)

---L.

[oracne.livejournal.com]

WAH!!!!

ROFL!

[larryhammer]

"Wah!!"?

I beg your pardon, madame, but did we disturb you?

---L.

[larryhammer]

I just realized we need an entry on CALF LOVE, but I don't think I'm up for writing it this early in the morning.

---L.

[larryhammer]

In his/her cups - see DRUNKENNESS.

Meanwhile, the entry on Conduct ends:

But while you act as you wish, despite the disapproval of those with PROPRIETY, without damaging your character, beware doing anything that may cause your EROTIC MATCH to give you a thundering set-down^OMT, for it is bound cast you into the hips^OMT, if not give you a freakish distemper^OMT. If this should last for more than a few days, it will be time to own up that you do indeed cherish his REGARD, and possibly that you have loved him all this time^OMT.

---L.

Even if...

[contrafrutexus.livejournal.com]

...your time's fashions and your station cause you not to be in possession of a bodice as such, be aware that there is a very good chance that it will nonetheless be ripped.

Re: Even if...

[larryhammer]

That's more a note on the Kingdom of Historicals, of which Regencyshire is a reserved and protected park, or reservation. There are few in the Shire who do get bodices ripped, but they are visitors, on tours conducted by such proprietresses as Jo Beverley and Amanda Quick.

---L.

Naval Officers...

[antonia-tiger.livejournal.com]

..are regular visitors to AUSTENDALE, but, not unnaturally, are to be usually found in ports, or travelling POST-HASTE between PORTSMOUTH and LONDON. If you should find yourself in the company of a TONE-DEAF Naval Officer, you may be an unrecorded sister of some NOTABLE PERSONAGE. Otherwise, an association with a Naval Officer, or a RIFLEMAN, suggests some connection with EMIGRE NOBILITY, displaced to Britain by the REVOLUTION and the ensuing WAR.

Do not confuse a Naval Officer with a Naval SURGEON, unless your ability to drive a COACH AND FOUR is entirely genuine.

MIDSHIPMEN should be given the respect due to a YOUNGER BROTHER.

Seamen may be either ROGUES or TRUSTED SERVANTS. They may take both roles at the same time and, while famously less than competent with horses, have HEARTS OF OAK which become apparent in a TIGHT SPOT.

Re: Naval Officers...

[larryhammer]

Do not confuse a Naval Officer with a Naval SURGEON, unless your ability to drive a COACH AND FOUR is entirely genuine.

LOL!

---L.

[cynthia1960.livejournal.com]

We need an entry for the Army/Militia and their relative merit as compared to the Navy, but my inspiration runs thin this afternoon.

Bravo for this compilation!

[larryhammer]

My inspiration wants more coffee before trying.

The preference for army officers we can partially lay blame on the conditions in Austendale. Even though the denisens ultimately prefered the navy.

---L.

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

OFFICERS in the MILITIA and ARMY must be treated with caution. Even though military UNIFORMS must cause any young lady to swoon (we direct especial attention to the TIGHT HUSSAR PANTS), the sad fact is that their wearers are often penniless and therefore UNSUITABLE (OMT). However, it is reassuring to note that OFFICERS rarely die; at worst, they are WOUNDED and thus removed from peril.

Unless your OFFICER is the second son of a noble line, we suggest looking elsewhere. NAVAL CAPTAINS are always an excellent choice; by the time they engage in courtship they are generally SUFFICIENTLY ENDOWED. (Do not see TIGHT HUSSAR PANTS; the Management isn't talking about that.)

[larryhammer]

Good one.

---L.

Tutorial for Children Other than the Eldest Male

[rosel.livejournal.com]

No doubt you have noticed that your oldest brother, no matter how lacking in social, hygenic, and intellectual skills, will inherit the family estate. Any portion you inherit will not be enough to feed your pug, much less you. If the estate is large enough and your brother so inclined, you may look forward to a life of dependency on his charity. If either of the aforementioned conditions is false, you will have to get a job. (This assumes your father was not wise enough to provide you with a wealthy mother, though such things have been known to happen in HEYERTON.)

To forestall your examination of your inclinations and skills, let us immediately lay out the only careers that younger sons of the gentry may pursue:
* Cleric
* Army officer
* Naval officer (assuming you joined at age 10 or thereabouts)
* Diplomacy
Do not blanche at the thought of becoming a CLERIC; no one would be so indelicate as to inquire about your relationship with Jesus. There are no canting Methodists in Regencyland. The Church is frequently a refuge for scholarly blokes who like their Greek and Latin. But fear not: there's always room for twits. Do not make the mistake, however, of entering this profession without first ascertaining that some friend or relative can provide you with a living or a chaplaincy. That were madness, when the whole point of this exercise is to earn your keep.
Likewise, do not enter the Army unless someone can buy your way into the officer's rank. True, during wartime you will have a chance to rise by your own efforts, but you have a great chance of dying in battle, which would affect your long-range plans. The same caution applies to joining the Navy, but you may not have a choice if your parents send you packing when you're scarcely out of shortcoats.
If your father has sufficient influence, he may be able to get you a diplomatic posting, where you will spend the rest of your life carting papers from one place to another for people much more educated and intelligent than you.
All in all, your best choice is to marry an heiress, though unless you are possessed of exceptional charm, there's not the slightest reason why an heiress should marry you. Failing that, you may as well spend your time walking backwards to Brighton, riding your horse through inns, and punting on tick with anyone unwise enough to extend you credit until the day when tipstaffs cart you off to debtor's prison.

NOTE: If you are very bad (but over the age of being put in the Navy), your parents may banish you to India, where you may safely partake of trade and make your fortune, as long as you do not refer to it when you return to England to share your wealth with your loving family. No gentleman ever takes part in merchantly transactions, except at extreme distance.

If you are a female, your choices are even more limited. You may become a governess or a hired companion. You could also drown yourself in the horse pond, but it's not good ton, however preferable it may be to enduring brats on both ends of life. Spending a fortune on clothes, not to mention distilled water of green pineapples and crushed strawberries for your complexion, may be your best investment, for you may induce some punch-addled gentleman into proposing marriage, which you should immediately accept and make public to prevent his coming to his senses befoer the knot is duly tied. It would be bad to be married to a disagreeable man, but as Elizabeth Watson of the outskirts of AUSTENVILLE says, "I do not think there are many disagreeable men." Such it seems when career options are few.

You could also become a novelist. Why, only think of Fanny Burney, who sold her first novel for 20 pounds! Perhaps we had best not think of her.

In Regencyland, one doesn't EARN money; one HAS money. This makes perfect sense in an economy where nothing is made, except clothes by one's tailor or modiste. The tenants do something with crops, but in the background, where peasants belong. Something with money happens in the City, but we don't know what, for no gentleman ever goes there. Have another ice at Gunther's, and don't trouble your pretty head about such things.