"A boy's will is the wind's will / And the thoughts of youth are long, long thoughts"

Things I learned from reading Journey to the West:

• Nine centuries is more than enough time for the folk process to turn a heroic traveler and religious figure into a prat.
  
  
• The polite address for a woman you don't know is "Bodhisattva." Especially if she's pretty.
  
  
• One way for a professional storyteller to get listeners to sit still for an elaborate description is to package it as clever verse. I am unable to convey how delighted this makes me.
  
  
• The answer to "why does suffering exist?" of "because without adversity the grace wouldn't be earned" is just as annoying in Buddhist theology as in Christian.
  
  
• Chinese gods are incapable of keeping track of their dependents and pets. Buddhist gods aren't much better.
  
  
• Not only is Buddha himself more powerful than any Chinese god, so is a scorpion who has listened to the Buddha preach from atop the rock it lives under. Do not mess with one. Srsly.
  
  
• There are more evil Taoist ministers with the ears of gullible kings in the wilds of Central Asia than you can shake a gold-banded as-you-will cudgel at. Add a nine-toothed rake, and you might be able to shake both of them enough, and even then you'd still need Guan-yin's assistance.
  
  
• India is populated by equal numbers of Buddhists and Taoists. Who knew?
  
  
• When you meet the Tathagata Buddha in his monastery in the West, you must present him your passport as if he were a king. Unlike a king, however, he will not stamp it.
  
  
• No evil monster's lair in the mountains is complete without a stone tablet announcing the cave's name.
  
  
• You are not permitted to get on this ride unless you wield a unique weapon. No repeats or takebacks allowed. I'm amazed that it took till chapter 92 before someone had to resort to using a flail.
  
  
• The story has exactly three women who aren't at least one of a) an evil spirit, b) out for revenge, c) weak and culpable, d) trying mate with Sanzang and take his "primal masculinity", or e) a Bodhisattva -- and those three are there to be rescued. (Now there's a list begging to be turned into a 1066 and All That style exam question.) It is tempting to reduce this lesson to "misogyny: it's what's for sinification," but that would be cultural misappropriation.
  
  
• A master storyteller can get away with having a character baldly explain to the reader the typical episode structure ("things get messed up but I come out on top in the end"). Do not try this at home without a license to set up your mat and bowl in the main marketplace.
  
  
• When you write, as soon you must, a 2300-page epic comedy, make sure to keep track of events from over a thousand pages ago -- and show their consequences.
  
  
• When an evil Taoist minister asks for your black heart as an ingredient for an elixir to prolong the king's life, the best possible answer is to cut open your chest and let a pile of your hearts fall out on the throne-room floor, then sort through them (blood still dripping) to show that, no, you have hearts of every other color, but not black, sorry -- anything else I can do you for?
  
  
• It takes a LOT of help to get a prat safely to India.
  
  
• Tricksters rule. At length.

Things I did not learn from reading Journey to the West:

• What the heck a "Negative wind" is.

And in conclusion, the Ninja Replacement Score = 3 -- those three women. Everyone else but the prat already IS a total ninja (and then some), and without the prat there's no need for Monkey and no story.

---L.