larryhammer | The anime character pledge

If I am ever a character in a manga or anime, I hereby promise to:

Find a way to save the world without dying.
Not pretend to be someone of my opposite sex while attending a boarding school. Day school is iffy, but can be done as long as my parents aren't forcing me. (Cross-dressing is a different issue, but best left outside of school anyway.)
Take up a martial art other than kendo. Flower-arrangement-jitsu sounds good.
Never be a second-in-command with an angsty backstory. It is inevitably fatal. If I find myself cast as one, I will resign my commission, no matter how much I want revenge against the enemy.
Use my new-found godlike powers only for good. Even if my little sister steals my boyfriend.
Never develop romantic feelings for anyone I call onii-san/onee-san (big brother/big sister), even as a courtesy title. This goes double if I use -sama (respectful address). Triple if I use -chan (familiar or diminutive address). Quadruple if I live alone with him/her.
Never let anyone address me with -chama (diminutive + respectful). If anyone does, I will drop-kick them into the nearest temple/shrine for a exorcism. This goes double if they request that I address them with -chama.
Use stealth and guile to win, not my mad fighting skillz. The latter only leads to more fights and periodic power-ups.
Never live with several other young women plus one young man. No matter how cheap the place is, it's not worth it. Until I can move out, I'll never wear a skirt, always keep on modest underwear, and before bathing or changing clothes, double-check that I'm alone, the door's locked, and shades are drawn tight.
Expect Death to be, say, a cutie in a kimono riding a floating oar, or Santa to be a biker chick on a hovercycle, or the lake monster to be my little brother. These things happen.
Never flash my panties. Ever.
Raise my new-found little sister-or-equivalent without any sexual shenanigans. Except possibly with a classmate my age -- and only if little sister approves of her.
Not take up photography as a hobby, let alone profession.
Decide on my feelings for the girl before the national championships.
Not touch the bishounen. They may be pretty to look at, but anything more can only lead to tears.
Go into chibi form no more than three times a chapter.
Not be a pure-hearted idiot who can be distracted from asking crucial questions such as "Wait -- you knew my mother?" or "Just who ARE you anyway?" by, say, someone pointing out a cute cloud.
Watch out, when I'm disappointed, for my falling word balloon. It hurts if it lands on my head.
Pay attention when jaunty accordion music comes on. It means trouble's starting.
Pay attention to any boy with an attack chicken. He's important.
Pay attention to the penguin that follows me home. It's not important, but it is way cute. If way random.

Did I miss anything?

---L.

I think you may have covered them all. And if not, anything you left out has to be important to the ... I was going to say plot, but that might be the silliest thing of all.

Bad writer. No biscuit.

Hrm. Tough one.

How about promising to eat food, rather than use your hands to shovel it into your mouth, and to never eat more than my body weight at one sitting?

Also, to not trust that my real name is the one written on my underwear, even if I do have amnesia.

I don't know about #11. I mean, have you seen the Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex series? Even Major Kusanagi obliges with a once-per-episode panty shot, and she can drop-kick anybody.

Figure out immediately whether you are in a series where dramatic monologues and transformations take place in instant-time or can be interrupted by the smarter villains. Affects strategy at the big showdowns.

Also, even if you *can* twirl and rant to your heart's content, do not explain how your special attack methods work. Not even to the good-looking opponent you're trying to impress.

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

Aw, but none of those apply to mecha anime!

Well, actually, I suppose they all do apply-- just not to good mecha anime.

22. If it (where it = demi-religious malevolent alien being secretly descended from human DNA) is staggering but still standing after you drop a bloody nuke on it, don't babble on with existentialist nihilistic preaching that will give the creature sufficient time to regenerate. Do what needs doing and atomize the sucker.
23. Avoid the hyper girl who wants to work for Interpol. She is evil in many ways.
24. Don't let the English teacher drive.

Oh! I know one: remember that music defeats evil.

This is utterly hysterical

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