larryhammer: floral print origami penguin, facing left (gone)
Larry Hammer ([personal profile] larryhammer) wrote2007-11-09 07:29 am
Entry tags:

Tracing changing visions

First draft of 5 Nov 07:
These geese, flying south;
from these mountains and valleys,
I fold my own birds.
As posted 6 Nov 07:
Geese are flying south.
From mountain and valley folds
birds come to my hand.
Draft of 7 Nov 07:
Honkers flying south;
from the mountains and valleys
a bird folds to hand.
Draft of 8 Nov 07:
The honkers fly #$@^%#U*
argh ...
---L.

[identity profile] jamiam.livejournal.com 2007-11-09 02:33 pm (UTC)(link)
First line of Nov 6 is fine. You're on your own with "folds"...

[identity profile] sfmarty.livejournal.com 2007-11-09 03:07 pm (UTC)(link)
There there, hair pats.

[identity profile] dancinghorse.livejournal.com 2007-11-09 04:51 pm (UTC)(link)
"I fold my own birds" is nice. "Honkers" puts me in mind of a flock of large noses on the wing. (Sorry. As you know, Lipizzans are Masters of Honkitude.)

I like the insight into the process. :)

[identity profile] the-red-baron.livejournal.com 2007-11-09 05:38 pm (UTC)(link)
I really like the first one best, except for the repetition of "these."

[identity profile] asakiyume.livejournal.com 2007-11-09 06:14 pm (UTC)(link)
I love your first two a lot!

and the draft of 8 Nov--those are oracle-bone ideographs you're using at the end, yeah? :-P

[identity profile] azang.livejournal.com 2007-11-09 08:43 pm (UTC)(link)
LOL!

(Anonymous) 2007-11-09 09:14 pm (UTC)(link)
Why not keep the lot as a set, like "Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird."

http://www.writing.upenn.edu/~afilreis/88/stevens-13ways.html

(houseboatonstyx)