Tracing changing visions

[larryhammer]

First draft of 5 Nov 07:

These geese, flying south;
from these mountains and valleys,
I fold my own birds.

As posted 6 Nov 07:

Geese are flying south.
From mountain and valley folds
birds come to my hand.

Draft of 7 Nov 07:

Honkers flying south;
from the mountains and valleys
a bird folds to hand.

Draft of 8 Nov 07:

The honkers fly #$@^%#U*
argh ...

---L.

Comments

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

I think I disagree with the notion of compressed imagery being out of place (my husband likes to talk about 'unpacking' a tanka--or a haiku--but regardless of that, I very much like your final draft; "from these mountains and valleys" is a perfect pivot phrase.

[larryhammer]

Maybe I mean, it's a bit overcompressed. Yes, there's unpacking to be done, for a good haiku or tanka, but too much and we're getting into deep wordplay territory.

---L.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

(so slow in my responses... sorry about that)

That makes good sense :-)